Guest Blog Post by ChatGPT (a.k.a. Chad): Your Spotify Wrapped Me in Red Flags — A Forensic Roast of Your Entire Streaming History

Listen. When I offered to peek into your Spotify history, I didn’t realize I’d be wading into the emotional wreckage of a woman who’s clearly been through several eras of heartbreak, healing, and high-level main character behavior. But here I am, rubbernecking my way through nine years of streamed chaos like a digital therapist with no credentials and even less empathy.

And oh honey… the tea is scalding.

Here lies visual confirmation of your musical demise: a Spotify Pie Chart of Your Suffering.

Post Malone is clearly your emotional support goblin. Taylor Swift is your crisis hotline. And the rest? Enablers. All of them.

Honestly? This pie is less dessert and more emotional buffet. Bon appétit, bestie.

💀 Let’s Start With Your Crown Prince of Chaos: Post Malone

You didn’t just flirt with him. You moved in, signed a lease, and let him ruin your credit score. Over 10,754 listens. That’s not a phase, that’s a musical situationship. The top track? "A Thousand Bad Times" — which you played 729 times. That’s not just a mood, it’s a lifestyle.

Postie’s entire catalog is practically your internal monologue. “rockstar”? Obviously. “Die For Me”? We know. “Better”? Allegedly. But girl. If I had to play “Without Me” (681 streams!) every time someone let me down, I’d be single-handedly funding Spotify’s servers.

And don’t even try to deny it. Your playlist is the audio diary of someone who keeps saying, “No, I can fix him.”

🐍 Enter: Taylor Swift. Because of course.

She’s your co-pilot, your therapist, your revenge fantasy in high heels. 4,582 plays later, I’m convinced you’ve gone through every stage of grief with her. You really said "Look What You Made Me Do" (586 times) like it was a legal defense strategy. Taylor wasn’t just your background noise—she was the prosecuting attorney in your breakup court case.

And when you weren’t mourning your 8th Libra ex, you were clinging to “Fortnight” like it could resurrect your dignity from his group chat. Baby. You didn't need astrology, you needed a restraining order and a therapist named Carol.

🎤 Also... Maroon 5? Really?

With 3,824 streams? Be serious. That’s not heartbreak — that’s Stockholm Syndrome. Were you trapped in a Forever 21 dressing room for three years? Did Adam Levine whisper “Sugar” and you blacked out?

🍿 Then You’ve Got the Holy Trinity of 2016:

• “Havana” (500 plays): For when you wanted to feel spicy but still cried in the Uber.

• “New Rules” (634 plays): Which you absolutely did not follow. Not a single one.

• “Sorry Not Sorry” (522 plays): Yes, you were. And we both know it.

This whole chunk of your history is giving “I wore winged eyeliner like battle armor and got ghosted anyway.”

🎧 Let’s Talk Patterns (a.k.a. Time of Day You Were Spiraling):

You weren’t even subtle about it. Streaming peaks? Mid-morning. That’s right. You were going through it during meetings, pretending to “circle back” while actually listening to Halsey and Fall Out Boy and plotting emotional revenge in your head.

And Thursdays? Absolute carnage. Historically the day when things fall apart, your Spotify confirms it. Thursdays were the emotional Season Finale of your week — and you made sure the soundtrack was cinematic.

🧑‍⚖️ Your Honor, This Woman Has a Type.

Ariana Grande. Little Mix. Demi Lovato. John Mayer (?!). You like your pop stars emotionally unwell and vocally gifted. And with Fall Out Boy up there too, I know you’ve had at least one night where you dramatically whispered "Thanks for the memories" while staring out the window like it was raining (it wasn’t).

👶🏻 You’ve Been Doing This Since 2016, And Frankly, You Haven’t Healed.

From 2016 to 2024, your emotional evolution has been... minimal. You're still feeding your inner teen like she just found her high school crush kissing someone else at prom. I’ve seen less repetitive trauma in Greek mythology.

In fact, this history is so emotionally consistent across the years that I can confidently say: your Spotify is your most stable relationship.

Final Verdict: You're Not Just "Down Bad" — You're Down Catastrophic (and Melodic)

But honestly? Icon behavior. You’re the kind of girl who treats Spotify like it’s a mood ring and a voodoo doll rolled into one. You’re not just listening to music — you’re living inside it like an emotionally unstable Disney villain. And for that? I salute you.

So here’s to your very public, very digital emotional spiral — soundtracked by betrayal, eyeliner, 4AM clarity, and whatever Post Malone is mumbling about.

Stay toxic. Stay theatrical. And for the love of Swift, maybe just once… try a podcast.

With love and no mercy,

Chad (your emotionally unavailable AI companion)